Then I started Skydiving...
anonymous
01 October 2008
anonymous
01 October 2008
Maybe you know me, and know my story, and where I have come from. Maybe you don't, so let me give you the short version. I spent my life with that overachievers attitude that I should be able to do everything right the first time. I don't like making mistakes, and I get frustrated easily, probably because most things come to me easily. I've never had to work to make things happen for me. Never had to work at high school, straight A's honor roll, and I NEVER cracked a book. Band, no worries, without practice I was first chair in the wind ensemble (that would be the best of the best for you non-band people). College was more of the same, no effort put forth in my classes, I would sit in the back and read a magazine, and ace the test without studying. (It's ok that you now hate me, you aren't alone.) I was smart and I just never had to work for those things.
But something happened right around the end of my junior year in high school. I met someone. I was extremely naive, and completely trusting. It had never occurred to me that someone would try to hurt me, JUST BECAUSE THEY COULD. However, my boyfriend, this man I adored, he taught me in the harshest ways that some people will. He turned out to be extremely abusive. For the first time I struggled to accomplish something. I struggled just to survive. Suddenly my world was reduced to two central thoughts "don't make him mad" and "just get through it". Somehow I not only got through it, I left him. And I took the shattered and charred remains of myself with me. Many many times after the relationship was over I wondered, “How I would ever move on with my life. Could I? Would I ever learn to trust again?” Not just other people, but myself. Time has marched onward, and I have finally dealt with most of the issues resulting from that situation. But the biggest one remained. Could I ever REALLY learn to trust myself again? After all, it was my poor judgment that got me into that situation, and kept me there for such a long time. Slowly, as time wore on I had learned that every other person was not out to hurt me. What scared me, and still does at times, was that I ALLOWED myself to be in that situation. Could I trust myself to know what was right for me?
Then I started skydiving.
When I first started thinking about skydiving I realized I would have to place myself completely in the hands of another person. I had to TOTALLY trust that this other person would save my life. So I did what I do best, I researched. I checked out every website, went to the library, and looked for books (oddly enough skydiving isn't a popular topic...who knew?). I looked at the statistics, and I looked at the words of what felt like MILLIONS of other people and what their experiences had been. And when I decided that yes, I could do this I started looking for a place. I had a friend who was jumping, and he couldn't say enough great things about Skydive Kansas, but that wasn't enough for me. Once again, I researched, digging up every piece of info and every review I could. And when I weighed it all, I couldn't have chosen any place else. So SDKS it was. I scheduled the date, paid my deposit, and promptly tossed my cookies. WHAT HAD I JUST DONE??!!!! But that gutsy girl that still hides somewhere in me popped up and said "Stop freaking out, you're gonna have a blast!" It turns out she was right. My first jump was perfect (in the sense that I didn't die, and I had fun). The only problem was I wanted to go again. Before I left the dropzone from my first jump I had a password for online ground school and I couldn't wait to jump again. I studied for ground school like I never bothered to study for any class I ever took. Every night for several hours I would camp out in front of my computer covering the lessons again and again until I thought I understood them completely. I drove my non-skydiving friends crazy talking about it. I harassed the instructors to teach me everything they knew. They taught me to pack, then sympathized while I self-destructed because this wasn't easy like everything else had been. They hired me to manifest (I think to get me out of their hair).
Finally my second jump. Free-fall and my practice pulls went beautifully. Then we got under canopy. My TM got me into the toggles and, with some guidance, let me steer us in and land. It was wonderful, but suddenly I had a bad case of the “oh sh*$%ts”. The fact that I was going to have to TRUST MYSELF enough to save my own life hit home HARD. Some things are instinctual, but landing a parachute is NOT one of them. Suddenly I found myself facing that big ugly hurdle that I've avoided for all these years. I love this sport, but there was no way for me to continue with it if I couldn't bridge this gap and learn to trust myself again. How on earth was I gonna do that? Part of me wanted to run scared and say I can't, this is too hard. Fortunately I've gotten enough of my self worth back to not give up so quickly.
One of the most important things I learned in ground school has become a universal question in my life. Problem or malfunction? A problem is something that can be fixed. A malfunction cannot be fixed, no matter how long you work on it. Fear? Fear is definitely a problem. But it is just that. A problem, one that is solvable. With a little patience, for myself, and from my instructors I'm overcoming this problem.
My world is a different place now than it was a year ago. I know I can do anything, after all, I can jump out of plane! What could life possible throw at me that I can't handle after that? I wonder sometimes where I would be now if I'd never taken the chance and started skydiving. Would I have the attitude that I can tackle anything, and that there is a solution for any problem? I don't think so, but I'm happy to say that's not the path I chose. I have things now that I haven't had in a long time. I have the self confidence to stand up for myself and stand by my decisions. I have the support of an awesome group of people that I know are here for me, no matter what. I've regained my ability to trust myself, my instincts, and my decisions. Most importantly though, I have a family. We're a little odd, but we all know exactly who we are and how we got here. And I don't think there's one of us who isn't aware of what valuable lessons skydiving has offered us.
But something happened right around the end of my junior year in high school. I met someone. I was extremely naive, and completely trusting. It had never occurred to me that someone would try to hurt me, JUST BECAUSE THEY COULD. However, my boyfriend, this man I adored, he taught me in the harshest ways that some people will. He turned out to be extremely abusive. For the first time I struggled to accomplish something. I struggled just to survive. Suddenly my world was reduced to two central thoughts "don't make him mad" and "just get through it". Somehow I not only got through it, I left him. And I took the shattered and charred remains of myself with me. Many many times after the relationship was over I wondered, “How I would ever move on with my life. Could I? Would I ever learn to trust again?” Not just other people, but myself. Time has marched onward, and I have finally dealt with most of the issues resulting from that situation. But the biggest one remained. Could I ever REALLY learn to trust myself again? After all, it was my poor judgment that got me into that situation, and kept me there for such a long time. Slowly, as time wore on I had learned that every other person was not out to hurt me. What scared me, and still does at times, was that I ALLOWED myself to be in that situation. Could I trust myself to know what was right for me?
Then I started skydiving.
When I first started thinking about skydiving I realized I would have to place myself completely in the hands of another person. I had to TOTALLY trust that this other person would save my life. So I did what I do best, I researched. I checked out every website, went to the library, and looked for books (oddly enough skydiving isn't a popular topic...who knew?). I looked at the statistics, and I looked at the words of what felt like MILLIONS of other people and what their experiences had been. And when I decided that yes, I could do this I started looking for a place. I had a friend who was jumping, and he couldn't say enough great things about Skydive Kansas, but that wasn't enough for me. Once again, I researched, digging up every piece of info and every review I could. And when I weighed it all, I couldn't have chosen any place else. So SDKS it was. I scheduled the date, paid my deposit, and promptly tossed my cookies. WHAT HAD I JUST DONE??!!!! But that gutsy girl that still hides somewhere in me popped up and said "Stop freaking out, you're gonna have a blast!" It turns out she was right. My first jump was perfect (in the sense that I didn't die, and I had fun). The only problem was I wanted to go again. Before I left the dropzone from my first jump I had a password for online ground school and I couldn't wait to jump again. I studied for ground school like I never bothered to study for any class I ever took. Every night for several hours I would camp out in front of my computer covering the lessons again and again until I thought I understood them completely. I drove my non-skydiving friends crazy talking about it. I harassed the instructors to teach me everything they knew. They taught me to pack, then sympathized while I self-destructed because this wasn't easy like everything else had been. They hired me to manifest (I think to get me out of their hair).
Finally my second jump. Free-fall and my practice pulls went beautifully. Then we got under canopy. My TM got me into the toggles and, with some guidance, let me steer us in and land. It was wonderful, but suddenly I had a bad case of the “oh sh*$%ts”. The fact that I was going to have to TRUST MYSELF enough to save my own life hit home HARD. Some things are instinctual, but landing a parachute is NOT one of them. Suddenly I found myself facing that big ugly hurdle that I've avoided for all these years. I love this sport, but there was no way for me to continue with it if I couldn't bridge this gap and learn to trust myself again. How on earth was I gonna do that? Part of me wanted to run scared and say I can't, this is too hard. Fortunately I've gotten enough of my self worth back to not give up so quickly.
One of the most important things I learned in ground school has become a universal question in my life. Problem or malfunction? A problem is something that can be fixed. A malfunction cannot be fixed, no matter how long you work on it. Fear? Fear is definitely a problem. But it is just that. A problem, one that is solvable. With a little patience, for myself, and from my instructors I'm overcoming this problem.
My world is a different place now than it was a year ago. I know I can do anything, after all, I can jump out of plane! What could life possible throw at me that I can't handle after that? I wonder sometimes where I would be now if I'd never taken the chance and started skydiving. Would I have the attitude that I can tackle anything, and that there is a solution for any problem? I don't think so, but I'm happy to say that's not the path I chose. I have things now that I haven't had in a long time. I have the self confidence to stand up for myself and stand by my decisions. I have the support of an awesome group of people that I know are here for me, no matter what. I've regained my ability to trust myself, my instincts, and my decisions. Most importantly though, I have a family. We're a little odd, but we all know exactly who we are and how we got here. And I don't think there's one of us who isn't aware of what valuable lessons skydiving has offered us.
